why I smile?

why i smile?

sometimes the confusion inside is so overwhelming it threatens to implode littering my mind with a scatter of debris that will stick and clutter and disable my ability to function with clarity…so i smile

sometimes the pain is so intense that my tears feel like acid droplets tearing through the ducts that so desperately try to dam them in blinding the eyes that flutter in attempt to stop them shedding…so i smile

sometimes the sense of loss feels so real its almost tangible yet just out of reach so as to isolate me to the point that even loneliness eludes me…so i smile

but

sometimes sheer happiness erupts into a raucous laughter that lingers long enough to remain frozen on my face in that familiar form of…a smile

sometimes the memory of a time past shared with another person or group flashes before me causing that wistful look of reminisce expressed best in…a smile

sometimes a song a word a thought a sound is experienced or shared and a feeling of hope creeps up from the depths of my soul lifts my spirits and expresses itself through my body as…a smile

how can this be. smiling a response to such conflicting circumstances. to smile at both life and death must surely only exude some form of mental instability.

but

the source of my smile… not a lack of trial or hardship. not the absence of pain and loss. not emotions like happiness, pride or awe. no. JOY. not to be confused for happiness this is the joy of the LORD and this joy of the LORD is my strength. HIS joy expressed in my smile confuses the enemy who sees the hurt and the pain and the trial and the loss that i face. who sends the confusion and the tears. but as yesterday, today and forever HE who has availed to me that joy remains unchanged, so will my response to whatever circumstance i find myself faced with. i will smile.