It’s a frightening moment when you recognise the part you played in the failure of something. A relationship, a business plan, a group, a band, a church; the particulars don’t matter.
The realisation tends to hit you in hindsight of the event. It’s been years, you’ve told the story countless times to many people, and have offered your unbiased opinion about how the end came about. Even you believe the story you tell.
Then one day, out of the blue, something triggers a memory. Often, the memory is about the good times, you know, before things went bad, before it all fell apart. And you casually take a stroll down memory lane, oblivious to the changing of the lights, the little red man that is desperately trying to warn you that it is NOT safe to cross. You’ve duped yourself into believing that you know every bend and dip in the road. You know where it twists, where it turns, and all its visitors. You are convinced you could travel this road blindfolded, and safely arrive at your all too familiar destination; the failure.
BEEEEP BEEEEEEP!! Whew, you’ve narrowly escaped being run over by misremembered (conveniently forgotten) facts. It unnerves you, strangers do not travel this road, this was unexpected, surely it must be a mistake. A wrong turn, a faulty map, the need for directions. You have to investigate. The car has stopped, the driver is still inside. You approach the window to give assurance that you are ok, and offer assistance; directions and a friendly warning that they’re lost. You get there, and YOU are driving…
It’s ok, deep breaths, it was a long time ago, you were younger, you now realise the mistakes you made, it was partly your fault, in ways you hadn’t realised. It’s a tough pill to swallow, you take a moment to process this new information, it gets worse, this older model of you, the one whose existence you have only just come to terms with, turns to you, stares straight into your eyes and asks; “what now?”.
What now indeed. Do I call up the people involved and plead my case? Explain I’ve changed, now see the error of my ways. Have they been enlightened the whole time? Have they moved on? Should I?
I have yet to answer Joy-Ann version 1.0. My inner voice is offering up various courses of action far too quickly, and too loudly to be trusted. It’s drowning out that still, small voice that I should be taking advice from. So I’m going to wait it out. I know from experience that, that still small voice will out last the loud one and offer me a solution that is a part of a grand picture that I can only partly see.
For I know the plans HE has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. Boy do I trust those plans…